In Ukraine, The US Greatest Weapon Against North Korean Soldiers? Porn
Here we go: North Korean soldiers, those supposed paragons of discipline sent to Russia to boost Putin’s war in Ukraine, are apparently spending all their free time whacking off. They’re not lining up to fight; they’re lining up to jerk off. Instead of aiming guns at Ukrainian forces, they’re firing rounds at old Mia Khalifa videos.
And when Kim Jong-un finds out, he’s going to lose his mind. His “warriors,” hunched over glowing screens, drooling, slack-jawed, more devoted to a new kind of “training” than the so-called noble mission they’re supposed to be carrying out.
These men, fed a steady diet of pure state propaganda their whole lives — loyalty, purity, Kim’s unshakable wisdom — finally get a taste of the outside world and dive headfirst into its filthiest depths. They’ve grown up in a country where even the hint of Western media is practically criminal.
But now? They’re binge-watching every X-rated video they can find like they’ve struck gold. Forget military orders, forget strategy — they’re too busy trying to cram in a lifetime of missed “education.”
Gideon Rachman from the Financial Times spilled the beans on this mess, revealing that these North Korean soldiers in Russia are “gorging” on porn. And why wouldn’t they be? They’ve been cut off from the internet their entire lives. No Google, no YouTube, no Instagram, and definitely no PornHub.
These guys have lived in a digital void, fed only state-approved news and heroic tales of Kim Jong-un. Now, they’re getting a front-row seat to the entire world, and instead of admiring Russian architecture or learning about world events, they’re tearing through PornHub as if it’s a theme park.
And it’s not just a few of them. Seoul reports that over 10,000 North Korean troops are in Russia, with 7,000 stationed along the Ukrainian border, armed to the teeth. These guys are supposed to symbolize loyalty and ironclad obedience. But they’re too busy getting lost in their newfound addiction to adult content.
Years of brainwashing, drilled into them to revere duty above all else, and it crumbles the moment they’re left unsupervised with internet access. The whole thing’s dripping with irony — a bunch of soldiers raised to be stoic, hardened warriors, now acting like a bunch of hormone-addled teenagers on a late-night rampage through the web’s darkest corners.
Meanwhile, U.S. officials are basically shrugging it off. Lieutenant Colonel Charlie Dietz from the Pentagon wouldn’t confirm or deny anything about these “internet habits.” Who could blame him?
When you’re juggling wars, alliances, and global security, a few thousand North Korean soldiers glued to PornHub is barely a footnote. But the silence just makes the whole thing juicier, letting the rumors spread. Somewhere in Washington, diplomats are probably dying of laughter at the thought of Kim’s loyal soldiers glued to their screens in awe.
And the sheer hypocrisy of it all. North Korea, the fortress of purity and control, a place where only Kim’s inner circle and a few trusted officials get to peek at the outside world. To everyone else, the internet is a forbidden fantasy, a rumor at best.
These soldiers were raised in a land where even the mention of Western media is met with severe punishment. Now, they’re devouring the exact filth they were raised to despise, and they can’t get enough of it. All those lectures on Western corruption, and here they are, eyes wide, chowing down on every bit of it they can find.
Hundreds of soldiers, crowding around their screens, jaws hanging open, minds blown by the images they’d be jailed for even thinking about back home. It’s almost revolutionary. They’ve gone from following orders like robots to mindlessly following link after link, slipping deeper into a world they were never supposed to see. And with every click, the iron grip of North Korea’s censorship loosens just a little bit more.
This whole circus unfolds against the backdrop of an alliance built on desperation, not friendship. Kim Jong-un and Putin, both dodging sanctions, both forced into a corner by international scorn, now clinging to each other like lifeboats.
Russia gives North Korea some resources and a shred of support; in return, Kim sends his soldiers — the very image of his power and loyalty. But the second they touch Russian soil, that loyalty melts away. Instead of defending the alliance, they’re busy with their late-night “research sessions” on sites they couldn’t even imagine back home. This whole thing plays like dark comedy.
What happens when these guys go back to North Korea, now loaded up with memories they can’t shake? Will they be able to just forget what they’ve seen, to slide back into the hollow routine of state-mandated purity?
These mental souvenirs they’re taking back with them, these experiences — they’ll never be able to talk about them, but they’ll never be able to forget them, either. For many, this is as close to rebellion as they’ll ever get, and that curiosity they’ve tasted is one Kim’s regime won’t easily stamp out.
Of course, none of this is officially confirmed. Neither Russia nor North Korea is going to admit, “Yep, our boys are spending more time on PornHub than on their actual duties.”
But that only makes it better, the ambiguity letting everyone imagine the worst. Just the idea of Kim’s most disciplined troops going rogue on a porn binge is enough to light up headlines and draw chuckles in cocktail circles worldwide.
And here’s the punchline. For all the censorship, all the propaganda, all the absolute control North Korea boasts, human curiosity is an itch that can’t be scratched away. These soldiers were shaped to be Kim’s enforcers, trained to be emotionless, unfailing.
But give them even one crack in that iron wall, one taste of the forbidden, and they’re diving in headfirst, devouring everything the internet can throw at them. The web is a Pandora’s box, and once you open it, there’s no way to close it up.
Maybe that’s the real story here. We live in a world where technology seeps into every barrier, every wall, every closed-off regime. Beneath every blank stare, behind every programmed response, there’s a spark of something real, something wild waiting to break free.
If even Kim’s most brainwashed enforcers can be undone by one night of digital freedom, then maybe that’s proof that no regime, no matter how tight the control, can ever fully crush what’s human inside.
